We aren’t yet ready for bricks
Though the mortar may be mixing
We are digging
We are digging
Your old building needs tearing down
My foundation needs excavating
We are still demolishing
The ruins of the past
We are digging
Out what we were
We are digging into
What we are
We are digging
We are digging
We stand together
Though are buildings apart
We have digging to do
Before we can know
If a building can stand
Built of us
Though the mortar is mixing
And we are but digging
I’ll believe
Just for now
In the best of man
Even though I want to close down
I’ll believe my phone will ring
Though the hours are doubting
And my fears are winning
I’ll believe that he is
A gentleman
Because that is what I want him to be
And if he should prove otherwise
If his silence speaks to me
If his word isn’t true
It will only prove that he isn’t worthy
They were broken up maybe two months when he met me maybe and he said he wasn’t in love with her any more though she was the one that left him not the other way around he was still wearing her ring when he met me when he first said those three little words he was wearing her ring and in the day almost a month later that he finally took the ring off she happened to visit him and he had to console her for her heart broke when he took the ring off but he wasn’t still in love with her.
I was asleep in his bed on September 11 such a strange morning as the planes crashed the tower and I leaned into him we were together emotions were running and he wanted to go see his parents and her and make sure they were all ok he wanted to leave me and go see her to make sure she was ok to see if she needed him.
We talked about getting married we weren’t together a year and we talked about marriage maybe 5 months or 6 he wanted to marry me I said it was too soon until I found the perfect dress it was white linen but I didn’t buy it not then I saw on the website that it was gone and I rushed to the mall on my lunch break and bought it for $53 and probably some change and I had the dress I wanted to get married in so does that mean I had the man I wanted to marry was this him so I asked him I asked him to marry me and he was distant he said yes but he was distant and later when I pressed he said he was so worried how she would react and when he told her she cried she was the one that left him she didn’t want him she slept with someone else the night she left but she cried and he said he was no longer in love but he was so worried about her and he never understood why I didn’t want to invite her to the wedding and I wonder now why did I say I do.
It boils down to this
Either my fear gets proven right or wrong
I am but a powerless spectator
Waiting for knowledge
With nothing to do but be brave
And feel sick
There goes my head again
Filled with fear
And insecurities
There goes my bravery
Hiding under the rug
When belief and strength sounded so possible
I’m triggered
The idea that I may not be enough
To keep hold of emotions
But I don’t want to have a hold
I want his feelings to be given freely
I want to be enough
And not mourn what I’ve yet to lose
I’m a scared child
So afraid to say it out loud
Allowing him to have my back
So scared to ask for help
We are all insecure children
Masquerading as hardened adults
Looking for the one
To accept the whole of us
I wear my rawness these days
Exposing who I am
Love me or leave me
I won’t be hard
I share this courage
With those I love
My tribe
Jumping first and showing them how
Don’t grow a shell
And close off into the apathy
Be brave of heart
Trust that there is still beautiful magic in this world
Behind a hardened mask
I don’t dream often. Or rather, as I’ve heard, I don’t remember my dreams. The ones that cling to me have a message, usually, or a story to be told. I don’t know if this was either, but it was very vivid.
New York City
The cars cascade around us
As we; my children and me
(Though I know it’s really I)
Join a mass of humans
Making their way
To the water
We walked towards the beach
I strike up a conversation
Golden curly hair
At first he is apprehensive
Then he warms
Sharing his knowledge
As I crack wise
Comparing a circular lake
To my Caribbean beaches
We part ways
Just before I touch the water
The alarm chimes in
And calls me in
It takes a minute to come into knowledge
Of who I am
